Table of Contents: Own refuge
Last April, during the final days of my mom's life, it was the two of us, kept company by her little fluffy white bichon frise, named Angel.
Day by day, I administered her morphine while verbally celebrating her life and courageous decision to let go - to rest - to feel how loved and adored she is. To become peace again.
It was a profoundly sacred and healing passage to midwife this sweet soul out of her body, and watch her take her final breath -- just over 5 decades after she birthed me into this world and watched me take my first one.
I have so much to share about death, surrender, forgiveness, rebirth and love but I will save that for later.
For now, I want to say hello again.
It's been a while. I've been intending to write but something much more internal and all-encompassing has been tugging me into a dark underworld of loss, grief and letting go for close to two years now - long before my mom's death.
Sounds like a form of hell, right? Well, many days it was. Many days I looked highly functioning on the outside, but inside I was drowning in overwhelming grief and despair.
Yet after a few months, I realized something mysterious and magical was co-existing within this heartbreak. It was an unwavering ocean of peace and acceptance.
I didn’t stay here all the time!
Yet, I experienced moments of feeling engulfed by emotions and then, in a split second, the presence of peace would crack into my heart like a sunbeam of home.
Holding the complexity of polarizing experiences
These polarizing experiences were co-existing, which was a radical shift from living in a world that used to only have space for pain or pleasure - not both concurrently. It’s been an incredible feeling to both be falling apart and held from within all at once.
I was encountering an exquisite experience of unconditional love and belonging. A sense of safety and peace that I never imagined possible.
Belonging to oneself - an invitation that comes from walking alone in the dark
Since childhood, I have deeply longed to feel an unshakable sense of belonging.
I relentlessly sought to meet this need through family, friends and partners - but for various reasons, despite how much love I received, it never internalized which means I never felt reprieved of this longing.
And, now, here I was in a life where this belonging was happening inside of my own being. Radical because how could I feel the sense of peace while many external losses were crumbling before my eyes?
The loss of a stable home, the partnership with a man to whom I had envisioned spending the rest of my life, my Mom’s death, estrangement from my sister, extremely compromised health challenges, and the loss of cherished friendships. It was a massive dissolution of love and belonging.
You've heard the phrase, "We teach what we need to learn", right? Well, I just had a 22-month crash course in Self-Acceptance power, one of the six gateways in my Power Reclamation System.™ And, I have successfully navigated another Dark Night of the Soul immersion.
The last 22 months have been the darkest, richest, and most empowering dissolution I've encountered. And, that's saying something given the early trauma I encountered as well as how many times I've deconstructed my life and reality to shed more conditioning and cultural domestication.
I mean, who likes to deconstruct the comforting and familiar ideas of who we think we are -- or the narratives of how our lives should look? Especially when these brewing winds point us toward a ticker tape parade of fears and uncertainty?
I think this is true for many of us. Those of us who, at some point in our journey, grow unwilling to live with the status quo.
Unwilling to hide.
Unwilling to puff up and identify through states of self-aggrandizing or arrogant protective patterns.
Unwilling to feed old dynamics, addictions or behaviors that cause us to turn away from our heart's deepest desires.
Unwilling to be controlled by our early conditioning, patterns of protection, reactivity, anxiety and fear.
Unwilling to reinforce power dynamics that cause discrimination, disconnection and pain.
And yet, despite being "unwilling" sometimes we stay because it's safer to tuck ourselves into what's familiar and known to avoid floating in uncertainty and "what ifs".
It's the human way - no judgment. Just a deep wiring in our biology and psychology to create safety through predictability and minimizing risks. Which often means taking crumbs, settling for less, and bargaining with ourselves that "it's good enough".
I have so much to share with you - but it's not a dazzling neuroscience curriculum, cutting-edge leadership skills, or the newest vagus nerve practices. (all of which I still nerd out on!)
It's a cultivated space of trust, curiosity, and self-compassion that I've been curling up inside like a fox in a warm den during the winter.
It's the power of creating space, slowing down, and self-kindness. Many of the places of refuge I've called upon as I surf the chaos of these many months.
I want to invite you into this deep dark feminine power that lives within you, regardless of gender/non-gender orientation.
I, akin to a jaguar in a dark forest, want to offer you a mirrored reflection of these rich and flowing waters that swim inside of you too.
Deep, at the root of who you are, these aspects await your attention -- acting as a patient and kind lover giving you time to open up and receive.
Lingering here just for you - despite how much anxiety, fear, and aloneness you feel.
Whether you're navigating a turbulent relational dynamic, high states of anxiety and confusion about what's unfolding in the world, or a yearning for something that isn't available to you right now, please know that you have what it takes to carry yourself (and be carried by Life) to the other side.
If you're longing to feel seen and known, I have a place for you.
If you want the accountability and benefits of a daily practice of movement, breath, and mindfulness I have one for you.
If you wish to rest in a container that will hold you for seven weeks while you dive deep into revealing your courageous heart and wisdom, please consider joining this special seven-week immersion.
Registration is now open for
Traversing the Initiate's Path - a 40-day immersion
This will be the third time I've offered this program. Yet, it will not look like it has before. It's fresh, emergent, and will be curated based on who shows up and what is alive in each of you who join the mandala of courageous hearts.
It's a 40-day commitment to tapping your inner wisdom. A time to be held in a community container and to be seen and loved and in a field of belonging (both inside and out) wherever you are -- no matter how messy it is.
If you’re wondering what happened to my Mom’s dog Angel, she is living with me in the mountains.
Every day she fills my heart with laughter, joy, and magical walks under the stars at night and amidst the blood-red morning sky.
This is her after our morning meditation.